So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
