I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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