please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
