im six kinds of drunk right now
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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