I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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