I don't usually arrange sex via text message
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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