you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Randomize
