Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
This is my gift to your gina
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
