Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
