i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
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If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
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i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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