I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
