I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
