If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
