the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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