So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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