if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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