Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
