but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
