I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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