i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
