I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
