You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
