If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
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You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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