girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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