Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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