Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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