So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just threw up on my dentist
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
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