Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
