Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
