I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
