there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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