Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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