WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
