smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
