he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
