I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
