He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
