Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
