i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
