Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
