I think scott just propositioned me for sex
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
