If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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