I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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