I cut my penus on the lid.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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