If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
