Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
