K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
