they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
