sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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