it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
