Can i not drive my cunt home
He is an equal opportunity slut.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
