neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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