We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
