shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
