barbara walters just said penis...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
