Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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