Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
