i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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