Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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