I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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