The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
