so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
