Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
