thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
