So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
