someone threw a dead crab at me
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
